I Have A Stalker

I read Leslie Handler’s collection of essays titled ‘Rats, Mice and Other Things You Can’t Bring to A Bank’ last month and loved it! You can find my post talking about it here. Leslie’s humorous and engaging writing style impressed me a lot and while reading her essays, I had a constant big smile on my face! So much so that my mother would ask me whether I was having a fun conversation with a friend of mine 😀

I didn’t review or rate this book because of reasons discussed on my Policy page, hence I couldn’t figure out a way to compel you all to read it. After deliberating on this for a bit, I decided that there was no better way to do it than to have Leslie herself carry out this task by writing an essay for the blog as a Guest Post!


I Have A Stalker

By Leslie Handler

We bought a new car last year.  A Chevy Volt with all the bells and whistles.

Even though we’ve had it for a year, I’m still getting used to having a new car.  We normally buy them slightly used and drive them until they’re dead. So a new car is quite an experience for me.  I can send hands-free texts, make calls on the fly, get directions anywhere, and start it remotely on cold days.  It’s a plug-in electric that also has a gas tank.  I’ve been having such fun seeing how long I can go without filling up.  It makes me feel like I’m “in” with the cool kids.

But then it has this one little feature I didn’t realize it had until my husband decided to play with it.  It has GPS-and no, I don’t just mean GPS to get directions to where you need to go.  It has GPS to find the car if you forgot where you parked it. At first, I thought this was great since I’m a senior citizen, and I regularly forget words let alone a whole car.  But dear hubby has discovered that he can remotely see where I am.  To put it in other terms, I’m being stalked by my own husband!


I’ll get a text from him in the middle of the day not to forget the cream when he sees I’m at the grocery, or to stop and walk backwards when he sees I’m at the mall.

I thought things couldn’t get any worse until I asked for a security system in our new home. He set up some cameras both inside and outside of our house.  Now, if someone comes to the door, I get a text informing me.  I can view the video clip to see it’s just the mailman, or if it’s a burglar, and I need to call 911.  But he set up those cameras in the living room and the kitchen too. For goodness sakes, the other day, I was in the kitchen wiping down the counter, when I received a text from him that I missed a spot!

I read 1984 back in 1978, but this is 2018.  George Orwell almost had it right, but it’s not big brother watching.  It’s my own husband.

My logo may be “I’ve fallen and I can get up”; however, right now, I feel like I should change it to “I have a stalker and I can’t get out”!

To top things off, more and more things in our house seem to be Wi-Fi enabled.  Our salt water fish tank has Wi-Fi and so does our printer.  Now I worry that the blue tank fish will send him an email telling on me that I broke my diet, and the printer will send out a faxed receipt disclosing my online impulse purchases.


But I think I’ve finally come up with a solution to my problem.  Since I know he can track me wherever I drive, I’ve decided to set up some regular lunch dates with my girlfriends.  I’ll meet-up with them say every Wednesday from 12:00 to 2:00, at a hotel-the same hotel-every Wednesday.  Maybe I’ll even splash a little cologne on my blouse right before I pick him up on Wednesday evenings.  Ah, revenge can be so sweet!

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